Kroz oci natopljene suzama jedva da vidim sto pisem. Odlucila sam nesto podijeliti sa vama. Da nesto i naucite od mene, ili se pak zapitate, ne dozvolite ili ispravite greske koje sam ja pravila a za kojih povrata vise nema. Osjecam se tako usamljeno. Mnogo puta pozelim da i ja imam nekoga kome bih mogla otici, gdje bih se mogla odmoriti od svakodnevnice, ko bi me smjestio u siroki zagrljaj, zakljucao vrata i sakrio kljuc, gdje bi magija trajala dokle pozelim. Sve to sam imala ali nisam koristila tako cesto. Vjerovatno mi to tada nije bilo potrebno ili sam vrednovala druge stvari neznajuci da je ovo upravo nesto sto je iznad svega. Stalno neka zurba, stalno sam trcala za necim ucenjem, izlascima.. sve je moglo da ceka, mogla sam napraviti drugaciji raspored, mogla sam puno vise ljubavi dati nekome ko bi za moje prisustvo dao cijeli svijet. Trebala sam cijeniti to. Trebala sam prepoznati ljubav.
Ali takva sam nekakva hladna i samostalna. Volim ne imati iciju pomoc, raditi po svome. Ponekad se ne osvrtati iza sebe, reci ti sve u lice bez da upakujem u sareni papir i masnu na tufnice. Mogu samo da zamislim koliko ih je boljela moja recenica: Ne mogu, nemam vremena; Samo popijem kafu i idem ja, ceka me ovo, ceka me ono.. Sada bih pola zivota dala za ispijanje kafe sa vama, dedo i neno. Da sjedimo svi na balkonu i da ti dedo pored mene sjeces hamdus dok ti nensi broji kako prznis po kuci. Pa da me po sto puta pitate jedno te isto, da gledamo skupa u tudje prozore preko puta, da slusam o njihovim udajama i zenidbama, a da pri tome nista ne razumijem.. Samo vas glas da cujem. Samo da ste sada ovdje, kada mi, cini mi se najvise trebate. Ja nemam kome da odem ni za Bajram, nemam s kim da docekam iftar, nemam vise tog bogastva!.. pisati bih mogla jos.. ali NEMAM VREMENA.
Izgleda da nisam baš cijenila ono što sam imala.. Sada kljuc imam ali ne mogu ni da otljucam niti zakljucam vrata.. jer vise nema nikoga.
Translated on English:
While I'm getting old, family is becoming the most important in my life. It's the only thing that you can't buy with money. Through the eyes soaked with tears I barely see what I'm writing.
I decided to share something with you. To learn something from me, or else you wonder, not allow or correct the mistakes that I made for which fixing isn't possible. I feel so lonely. Many times I wish that I have someone I could go, where I could take a break from everyday life, who would put me in his arms wide, who would lock the door and hid the key, where the magic lasted as long as I wish. All that I had but never used it so often.
In that time, I probably didn't need it or I valued other things unknowingly that this is just something that is above all. I always hurry, I kept running for studying, going out .. all it could to wait, I could make a different arrangement, I could have more love to give to someone who would give the whole world for time spending with me. I should appreciate it. I should recognize love.
But that's the way I am, sort of cold and independent. I do the things all alone, with no ones help, single-handedly, working on my own. Always going in front and never look back, the person who will tell you everything in face, without packing in colorful paper and polka dot oily.
I can only imagine how much they have been hurt by my sentence: I can't, I have no time; Just drink a cup of coffee and I'm off, I should do this, I should do it .. Now I would give half of my life for drinking coffee with you, grandfather and grandmother. To sit on the balcony while grandfather is cutting hamdus. You would ask me the same question a hundred times, to look together at other people's windows across the street, to listen for their marriages but I doesn't understand anything ... just to hear your voice. Just to be here now with you. I need you. I have no where to go for Eid, no more of that wealth! .. I could write more .. but I HAVE NO TIME.
I guess I just appreciate what I had .. Now I have the key but I can not unlock and lock the door .. because there is no longer anyone.
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